I am Jealous

It is normal for man if they ever wanted to have more than they had and me as well. When I saw my friend who has a car, I do also want a car badly. When I saw they bought a latest mobile phone, I wish I will have one too. When they introduce me they girlfriend, hah!!! I am soooooo jealous. But, few days ago, I watched a Hindi movie Ghajini star by Amir Khan which gives me a reason to be strong again. Indeed this film is romantic and so touching, somehow it give me the valuable moral. I’ve learn to praise Allah for what I had. Appreciate what I already belongs. Always praise to allah for you had because He promised to all man "for those who praise me for what has been given to them, I will give them 10 more"

Sanjay Singhania is a well educated yet a very rich entrepreneur. He is a well-known icon indeed very popular. There are a girl names Kalpana who are middle class girl from a poor family. She had a good look thus make her qualified to be a model. She lied to her friend that she had a boyfriend and she claimed that Sanjay Sighania is her boyfriend eventhough she never meet him. Indeed, she is a good girl who does not afraid to fight for what she stands for. She also has a good heart and always helps people around him. God fate, they met and they be a close friend without aware that they guy she met is the real Sanjay Sighania. Sanjay pretend that he is normal guy who had nothing to be proud of and after knowing Kalpana, Sanjay fall in love with her. The noblest thing happens here is; when Kalpana did accept his love even the ‘Sanjay’ he knows is not a rich man. She accepted his love. But however she being killed by mafia and Sanjay has been beaten badly. As a result, he suffered brain damaged and cannot remember what is happens in the past. However, the diary of him reveal a thousand secret which lead Sanjay to the man who responsible for Kalpana’s death.

Moral of the story:

1^st : You can fall in love. You do not need very much reason to fall in love. The important thing is; both of the couple must be honest and trust each other. Do not ever lie in what conditioned because in the world of love (even I am not master of it) cheating is not acceptable.

2^nd : Always thank and praise to Allah for sending someone to you so that you can love her/him because thousand of people, days and night pray to god so that they have partner. Alhamdulillah!! I’d found mine. And don’t forget to always pray for your love one and ask for Allah’s guidance. Always ask His guidance. Insha’Allah, you will not stray and you are away from doing wrong deeds (dosa).

3^rd : Accept and love your partner as the way they are. Do not ask more. Do not expect perfection. Do not compare each others abilities. Do not show off. Love them because what they are. Always have a discussion before you take any decision because good communication will prevent both of you from doing mistake which later led to the quarrel and fight (suke ke kalau bergaduh?). Do not ever… ever… ever… keep the problems just for yourself. Share it with your love. That is the point we need a partner, so that we can share everything in bad or good. Doesn’t it?

The theme song for this movie is Kaise Mujhe. I like them very much. At this moment I write this, I am listening to the song. It gives me strength and point to remember. So lovely.

Today, I talked again to the sky… To the moon… Truly deep in my heart I feel afraid. I just can pray to Allah so that all this bad feeling go away. I feel helpless and sad. I have thousand things want to tell her but I have to keep them because it is not nice to do so. I keep all those words deep in my heart waiting for the time; The right one… The memorable one… Urghhhh…!!! Again, the tears runs out. Allahu rabbi……

:: Hilmi ::

Berubah Angin

Aku memilih untuk menggunakan bahasa ibunda, Bahasa Melayu dalam entri kali ini. Akhir-akhir ini, aku belajar suatu perkara baru tentang diriku. Aku baru sahaja sedar seandainya saat aku mencurah luahan hatiku ini sambil mendengar lagu yg berirama sentimental dan mendayu, aku cenderung untuk melahirkan rasa sedih dan mengucapkan rasa sedih yang terbendung di hatiku ini. Begitu juga sebaliknya sekiranya saat aku mendengar lagu yang bertenaga dan romantis, idea yang dicurahkan pasti berbunyi gembira dan ceria. Namun, sungguh aku senang sekali untuk bercerita tentang lara dihati ini. Aku senang sekali seandainya air mata ini gugur lagi dek kerana ajaran yang diberikan kepadaku bahawa air mata adalah penawar kepada segala penyakit hati. Aku tidak malu mengaku aku adalah lelaki yang menangis kerana aku ikhlas dalam menangis mengharapkan sebuah keredhaan.

Hari ini aku telah pulang semula ke Shah Alam setelah sekian lama berada di kampung halaman bersama bonda dan ayahanda. Meluang masa, merenung wajah tua mereka terkadang memberi rasa damai pada hatiku. Inilah wajah yang kurindui selama aku berada jauh dari mereka dan terasa pula kerinduan pada yang berada di kejuahan sana. Rakanku pernah berkata; Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen them last, or the amount of time since you last talked.It's about that very moment you're doing something and you wish they were right there with you... Ya! Benar sekali. Rupanya aku telah salah dalam mentafsir rasa dihatiku ini kerana fahamlah aku kini, sebenrnya aku terjerat dalam permainan rasa buaian sang pembenci manusia, si iblis. Aku bergelut mencari jawapan dalam dasar hatiku. Apa benarkah segala perbuatanku ini? Atau sekadar halwa pemanis hati. Aku yakin dengan kata-kataku tetapi aku ragu-ragu dengan hasratku.

Suatu ketika dahulu, aku mencari sebuah cinta wanita. Aku mengejar dan sering terlepas. Mungkin bukan rezekiku dan akhirnya kini aku telah menjumpai sebuah rasa singgahan hati pada seorang wanita dan aku mengusun catur langkah dalam memenanginya. Alhamdulillah, urusanku mudah dan tidak banyak cabaran. Aku dambakan cinta Yang Maha Esa. Aku khuatir seandainya perasaan ini membuatku terjatuh kelembah kesalahan. Aku berdoa dimalam hari memohon dihantar padaku seorang puteri untuk kucintai dan kusayangi dengan sepenuh hati, namun pada siang hari aku terlupa pada laranganNya. Ya Allah kuatkanlah hatiku ini. Peliharakanlah mataku, ingatanku, keinginanku dari membuat kesalahan padaMu. Aku memilih si dia yang aku fikir dia mampu memahami hasratku ini. Insyaallah inilah pilihanku yang terbaik.

Aku terfikir bagaimanakah agaknya kehidupan dalam masa sepuluh tahun akan datang. Adakah aku seorang yang berjaya atau seorang yang gagal ataupun seorang yang biasa-biasa sahaja tanpa ada apa yang boleh dibangggakan? Aku mahu menjadi lelaki yang berjaya yang berdiri di puncak kehidupan dan mampu berdiri diatas keyakinan diri sendiri. Apakah semua itu sesuatu yang pasti? Aku menjadi risau. Keluh kesah menjadi zikirku. Bagaimana aku menjadi gagal dalam episod hidup ini? Ya Allah, hanya kepada engkau aku berserah. Sempurnakanlah kehidupanku dengan sebaik-baik kesempurnaan. Tetapkanlah hatiku ini.

Merenung langit malam memberi seribu jawapan kepadaku dan mendesak mataku untuk basah lagi. Aku suka berfikir. Aku suka mencari penyelesaian masalah sedangkan aku tidak punya masalah. Fikiranku menjangkaui masa dan tempat. Aku mahu tinggalkan dunia ini dengan perasaan yang tenang. Aku berharap seandainya aku menghembus nafas terakhir, aku berharap aku bukanlah berada didalam kemurkaan kedua ibu-bapa ku, aku berharap aku bukanlah lelaki dayus yang meninggalkan isteriku dalam keadaan yang tidak berilmu, aku berharap aku bukanlah bapa yang yang bacul meninggalkan anak-anakku dalam keadaan kejahilan dan kedangkalan ilmu. Aku tahu manusia itu tidak sempurna namun apakah salah sekiranya aku mendambakan sebuah kesempurnaan?

Aku seorang pendosa. Banyak sekali dosa yang aku telah perbuat dimuka bumi Allah ini. Entah mengapa aku merasakan usia yang ada padaku tidaklah sepanjang yang dikurniakan kepada ibu-bapaku. Entah mengapa, kuat sekali hatiku mengatakan abahlah yang akan menyempurnakan solat jenazahku bukan sebaliknya. Adakah ini sekadar perasaan atau petunjuk supaya aku berhenti melakukan segala dosa yang aku lakukan selama ini? Allah Hu Rabbi, aku mohon petunjuk dan belas kasihmu.

Aku semakin lemah dan aku tidak berupaya lagi..

Astagfirullah hal azim…. Ampunkanlah dosaku.. ampunkanlah.. ampunkanlah…

m.e.t.a.m.o.r.p.h.o.s.i.s.

Everyday have different story to tell, different feeling to show. Yesterday was great yet gives me a guidance to start my life for today. No people will stay the same over the time. I have to accept that people keep changing. Me myself is about go through the same phase.

Today, when I woke up, I had mixed feeling in my heart. I feel not needed, I feel stupid, I feel useless and fell like a carry hard burden. Deep in my mind there’s million things suddenly grow yet make me worry and bit nausea. Everyday seems like another set of puzzle to complete so that in the end of the day, I can get a big picture on how my life look alike.

I was once being so relevant and dependant but however I’m losing them day by day. I don’t love to be a leader anymore, I don’t like to sit in front when I’m in the class, I don’t enjoy driving fast, I don’t want to cook anymore, I don’t like to go to jog anymore. I don't behave the way I used to. I’m losing grip. I feel one part of me is dying. Once upon a time, a friend will look for me if they have a problem and absolutely I’m the best man ever in giving a free counselling session to them. Nowadays, I’m not being me anymore. Everything seems to be in contrary. I’m the one who look for my friend to ask their opinion, suggestion and their point-of-view. Where is great me gone?

I miss the moment when I and her is about to get know each other. I felt eager to know everything about her and however I can feel the different lately, maybe we getting more comfortable with each other which make the way we interact is much flexible and less numb. The most wistfully moment when she always asking me whether I had taken my food yet or not. Make me feel needed even it is the simplest question to ask “dah makan?” yet bring thousand joy to me. I never regretted for what I’ve said and done. Maybe it is not the perfect action and never been as romantic as it should be. But, this is another phase of my metamorphosis. It keeps develop everyday. I learn to understand. I’m experiencing a new way of tolerance. I am sorry if I’m not perfect. I wanna apologise if the way I treat you make you feel uneasy. I never have intention to do so. Forgive my imperfection. I know nothing is certain in this relationship. We haven’t decided yet how this relationship gonna be. But whatever happens, I will never give up until we had an exact answer upon this relationship because you are the most beautiful element of my life.

What happen to my dream? I have no answer. If before I can see how my future look alike instead, my vision getting blurry. I can’t see them anymore. Every time my vision blurry, I will use my tear to clean it up so that I can see them better. I spend lot of my time crying. I don’t think I am weak by crying because I believe tear is a medium to wash away all the dirt in my heart so that in the end, all left is pure heart. “Ya Allah, I beg you to endow me a strength. I feel so weak and helpless.” I miss the old me but I am happy of what I am now.

Life is wonderful. I hope I can get through all this. InsyaAllah.

:: h!lmi ::

It's always about me

Now, I'm at my hometown, Baling. Just reach this morning. I want to spend some time with my parent. My sibling is not gonna love this because everyone keep asking whether I would like to do part time job or not. I love to, but what's the point being the youngest child if I don't take this few weeks left before start a new semester if I'm not spending them with mak and abah. Haha... What a spoilt... =p

Recently I spend lot of time updating my blog and share more often my life's story. Left my FB undisturbed and I just comment necessary post and update. Home sweet home. Abah is still the same man. The only thing make abah look different is he become older... weaker... ''Ya Allah, have mercy on my father, bless him for deeds he had done to me.'' So do my mom. Nothing gets better. The illness never been better. ''Ya Allah, Ya Rahman, The Most Merciful, please forgive all bad deeds of my parent'''

Old memory keeps knocking my mind. I love follow abah go to mosque. Things change, if before this, he is the driver, but these days, I am the driver every morning to go to mosque. I still remember, during my young age, if abah wake up me up in the early morning and ask me to get ready to go to mosque, I hate abah very much and I always babbling every time. But, now I missed those moments very much. I missed the way abah called my name every morning to wake me up. I missed mom’s nagging when I didn't take bath but only brush my teeth before go to mosque. Lalalala..~ Kiddo!! It was wonderful moment. What a wonderful life. Somehow, I have to accept that the childhood phase is over because now, I am an adult. There will be another phase I need to face.

During my adult phase, I was 'accidentally' fall in love with someone. (Accident huh?? ermmm... yo la... Tetibo jo den suko kat dio... Nak buek camno). Literally, this is my first serious relationship. I never had an experience before. So, to kamu, if you read this, I'm sorry for being imperfect and unable to be a Prince Charming for you. But, I only can promise you one thing; I will do my best and put away my ego and ignorance if it is all needed to make this relationship better. I try to be a better man ever since I made my confession. Thank you to kamu because of you, I don't feel so much hurt leaving scouting since I can fill my empty heart by remembering you.

Something inside me had change. But I don't know what it is. Haih~ I, Mohd Hilmi Bin Mat Saad, I am the youngest child of Hj Mat Saad Bin Hassan and Hjh Nor Afzar Binti Abd Rahman now promise will be a better son and better man to her and I will do my best to not hurting any of you yet vow to love every of you with all my heart..

''La illa hailla anta, subha naka inni kuntu minaz-zolimin''

Truly;

::: Hilmi :::

Finally

Just now I was accidentally found someone’s blog. It's belong to my bestfriend’s friend. I never know her neither meet her. But after go through her blog, I can see the female version of me. Everything she wrote is the same words in my mind. I hope one day we will meet. It would be nice sharing something in common.

A month ago, I made my confession to someone. This is the first time I being so outstanding and brave to do such confession. I am so relieved. No regret , anyway, why should I?? She's best thing ever. Recently, I found a new ability of myself. I am always having great confidence regarding what I have done. I made confession, I tried a new style of shirt, I bought new type of shoes, I have new interest, I quit scouting, and I travelled with no money and few more something new. I enjoy every moment of this. I feel happy, fascinating and it is really awesome. last but not least, finally, I found my love. My truly love..

kamoo~ Do you still remember when we talk about my old “idiot-ass” love, and then you said:

“erm.. sebenanye saye xpaham sangat..

tapi kesimpulannye...

korang berdua nk jd jadi kawan je

kan..? ”

Me:

“salah!!”

You:

“dah tu?”

Me:

“ kesimpulannye... saye suke awak je.. saye da xsuke orang lain da...”

You:

“hehe..

Awak niee..”

After we finished our chatting session, I kept read them over and over.. Haih~ dear.. I just want you.. Only you.. No others.. I’m sorry if I being so harsh and being so annoying to you coz I just don’t know how to express how I feel upon you & the only best way that I know can simply express them is by being annoying and childish.. I am sorry if i being too complicated , uneasy, and make you confuse but what else I can do. I'm madly in love with you. Ughhh~ On what earth, I'm rumbling like idiot here. Kamoo~ I wish you are here..... now...

Finally, I succeed telling her after about a year being her big fans only ( Look at you curi-curi.. Siap hembus-hembus jampi lagik harap-harap menjadik.. haha) Thank you for giving me this space & chance.. I hope it won't take long before we move to the next level.. Hmm~ =)..

::: saye :::

Goodbye Love....

For many years I've been thinking, for how long I will be a scout. Forever? once a scout, always a scout? Ermmm... I am 22 years old now. What I had achieved in scouting is beyond my expectation. I never dreamt I will be at this stage. But sometimes, you have to look back and evaluate whether what we have done is right or wrong. I am in the right place, right situation, right time but it is wrong way.

Everything in this world have starting point & end point. I choose to end here. What will happen next? What I'm thinking ? What I'm gonna do? What is really happen here? What is the reason? .... haih~ I don't know. I just want to end all this....

Life is wonderful. I want to choose another path to reach the top of my life. Scouting is good, but maybe now I change, maybe I want to face something new. Get Scout rid of my life is one of the hardest challenge ever be. But life have another thousand thing to try.

Scout teach me to be a great person. Scout teach me many thing. Scout is a great teacher, but somehow, you have to leave your 'teacher'. So that you can try to face this world on your own & practicing yet applying the knowledge you gain from your 'teacher' to test your understanding level upon the knowledge you learn before.

That's all.... I don't want to be greedy... Let new scout have this position. I know there is still lot of thing I can learn from my 'teacher' if I stay. However, deep in my heart, I want to be just me, walking in this world without my 'teacher's' supervision so that my 'teacher' can be proud of me for what I've done to my life..

Happy scouting to my friend. May God always be with you.