OUT THERE NOTHING LAST....

I don't know what I should do at this moment. It seems pretty hard to understand what is really happening out there. Once upon a time, I can simply breathe the same air; I can speak the same language. However, at this moment, they had change. You are standing too far… I can’t see you anymore. I wonder how nothing last.

I've been looking for very long time but for the time being, there is something is not working. Something missing like Incomplete part. Or it is a sign that I am the one who ignorance. I'm performing loser. I play dumb on purpose. I'm being dick. I'm so sick. I'm missed the sign. Cannot turn back to read because I think it's too late... because I’m not that smart to understand. I just don’t know how to be in that way because it’s not my thing. I wonder how nothing last...

In the blink of eyes, we lost everything, they are gone; Love, life, money, pride, confidence is blow away. Hey~ listen!! Never choose to stay in the safe zone because you start loosing everything. Do not choose to stay still watching the world moving because they never waiting for you because nothing last man… You better not talking because it’s not working. I’m going nowhere hence its end tonight.... nothing last forever… I’m loosing grip... I wonder how nothing last...

you can say no… say no… say no… and say no…I don't care... what should I?

Allah Hu Rabbi, Ramadhan is coming. I think it is the best time for me to look for some sign. I don’t want to make my move. I want to play deaf and blind. I want to say yes all the time. Indeed, only Allah knows what inside there. I want to stay still. No backward, no forward. Let the world move on its own. I just want to watch from the dark spot. I wonder how nothing last...

Ya Allah, Ramadhan is just around the corner. I’m the sinner who make a thousand of mistake. I know what is happening at this moment just because of my bad deed. Forgive me Ya Allah. One thing I know, I want to quit playing this game. I can bear all the consequences. Tonight, last siren buzz. We'll see.. I wonder how nothing last...

Heart never sing a same song. sometimes, they sing out loud, while the other time, they just imitate. Ice turn to be water, rock turn to be dust, wind turn to be storm , heart turn to be soul... and me turn to be the one with no heart.....

Call me complicated... call me dick... call me freak.. erm~ it's me lol... I'm always love to be in conflict because I born with the brain damaged. I don't afraid of nothing except for My Creator. All this time, I cried because of Him. not because i'm scared, not because I'm lossing thing, not because unhappy, not because I weak. No! never. I cried because I I wonder how nothing last... and I pray to Allah to give me some strength to finish what I'd started.


I'm hurting people for being me. I'm sorry for that. I wonder how nothing last...I wonder how nothing last except for this feeling... I choose to feel this way forever.

"La haula wala quwata illa billahil aliyyil azim"

tiada ada daya yang lebih agung melainkan kuasa Allah- ** dan akulah hanya makhluk yang lemah.

.:: Saye Budak Cengeng ::.

The philosophy

It is quite a while I didn’t post a long entry. This might be the last entry (maybe) I posted here. Why? Ermm… I want to rest for a while and I want to keeps myself busy with my study and other thing.

I wish next me there is a shoulder that I can lean and cry in deep silence. Silence is torturing me very bad. Stand still in the dark and waits for the light to across this empty dream. My dream didn’t fill with joy and colour anymore lately. Every door I tried to open is locked down. I don’t have the key to open them and keep standing here wishing the Angel will dropped by and give me some answer on how to make my move.

I have a happy life but I feel there some pieces of puzzle are missing. I don’t know why I change a lot lately.

Current news

I already start my degree in international business with majoring in management. I met some new friend and try making myself confortable with the new environment in the new campus. So far, it is great accept for I have to walk from Giant hypermarket to the new campus to saving up my travelling cost. Huh! It’s tiring. But, I think it helps me loosing weight pretty much… nggee…

I was planning to do part time job this time. Look for more money since my allowance from MARA will be end on October. It’s kinda hard to support my life afterwards. Insha’Allah, there will always an opportunity and chance.

Plan adjustment

During my earlier study, I plan to finish up my diploma, then degree and finally my master. Being in relationship and marriage is not in the plan previously. But, in my final semester of diploma, I am falling in love with this “cute-good-nice-shy-smart-hard-awesome-yet complicated” girl. Ouch! I never have an intention to play around yet I want to take this matter it seriously. Sometimes I feel great while the other time I feel helpless when it is about her. I was so worry thinking whether both of us can make this relationship work or otherwise this just being kind of game in life. Only Allah knows what the best for me. I just can pray and tawakkal.

Life is wonderful. We never know what will come into our way. By knowing this girl, my life is such an epic. I learn a new thing everytime yet give me some sort of basic understanding on how to exploring the women’s complicated world.

I don’t play around. I have a serious intention because I have faith on her. Did you ever heard of story about a son asking her mom the meaning of love and marriage? Here it is:

‘’what is love mama?’’ In order to answer your question, go to our garden and choose the most beautiful flower and come back. But the rule is, you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick. The son went to the garden, go thru first row, he saw one beautiful flower, but he wonders, maybe there is a better than this one later. Then he saw another beautiful one. But maybe there is an even beautiful one waiting for him. Later, when he finished more than half of the garden, he start to realise that the flower is not as beautiful as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the most beautiful one, and he regretted! So, he ended up went back to the mom with empty hand. The mom told him, “This is love. You keep looking for a better one, but when later you realise, you have already miss the person”

“What is marriage then?” the son asked. Mom said, 'In order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is, you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.” The son went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy, and come back to the mom. The mom told him, 'This time you bring back a corn. You look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get. This is marriage.

I had found my flower. I won’t let it go……

Lighten up

I strongly believe that life always have thousand thing to offer for every of us. It is just matter of how we going to grab the opportunity. I missed my chance few times but no regret because life must go on. Past doesn’t offering you a wonderful time accept the room to you keep moaning. Thus, I want to forget the past and build my future with all strength I got by help of my Creator.

Some ask me why I write rather than talk? Dude! I seriously don’t know how to answer your question because I don’t have the exact answer but what I can tell you; that is because I have nobody to listen to me (what a pathetic life). But that seems to be good enough reason to me writing all I felt deep in my heart in here so that everybody can listen and understand how ‘cengeng’ am I… hihi…

I am Sorry

I would like to ask apology from everyone who read this blog... from everybody that I've hurt.. from the everybody that I ever lied to them. I'm sorry....

I would also like to ask apology from my parent and siblings for not being a good son and brother to them. I know, I've been such a burden to every of you and wish I can do better. Dear mom and dad, thank you for always praying for me. Insha'Allah, if I meant to have to have a long live, I'll repay everything. But, if not, please forgive me and I want both of you know that I love you more than anything. To someone I love, if you read this, I also want to say I'm sorry because I never been a good and best guy to you. I am sorry for everything. Just so you know, maybe you are not the first I love, but I love you the most. I don't feel right lately and please apologised my weakness dear.

Ya Rahman...

Please forgive me... please forgive me... please forgive me....

Here I am

Here I am. I hate when I stand-alone here looking deep at the sky. Counting stars... Even I know that would be such a possible thing to get an exact amount. Only God knows. Looking into someone's heart is totally the same principles applied. You never know the exact feeling of theirs. You never know what inside there. You never know....

Here I am. Try to understand why some people that have been together for many years and suddenly they decided not to be together... They fall in love... get married... they make love... they have child. It never means anything because we always think we know them, but sometimes we forget the fact that; heart is like star at the sky. You cannot measure them. Sometimes they glow in the dark, while other time they disappeared.

Here I am. Wondering how love can be such an adventure. In the middle of the adventure, sometimes we have to take the challenge awaits. We have to be patient. Wise in thinking and take the appropriate action possible. If we surrender, we’ll loosing the grand prize. And the grand prize would be the “heart of the people you love”. It’s hurt inside. You will torture outside. That is why I love walking in the rain, because people won’t notice I’m crying.

Here I am. Standing alone in front of the mirror. Looking deep on my reflection. Talking to myself. I can see the imperfect man. I saw a man with a love. I saw a man with chaotic mind and scattered emotion.

Life is wonderful. I will never let my life waste. I will keep breathing in this vicious world. I enjoy every minutes of it so that I am not regretted for I’ve done. I will never moaning if this love is not mine...

Bicara Pada Bulan

Bulan..

Maafkan aku kerana barangkali aku tidak memahami bahasanya. Bukan aku sengaja tetapi aku masih belajar meneroka alamnya sebagai seorang wanita. Mungkin tubuhnya berbicara, namun aku gagal membacanya. Beritahulah padanya bahawa aku gusar melihatnya menyepi tanpa kata. Aku khuatir dengan keadaannya yang kurasa ada perubahan walau tidak ketara. Apakah sebenarnya yang ada difikirannya. Hantarkanlah aku sebuah jawapan wahai bulan…

Bulan…

Khabarkan padanya aku benci meneka sendirian. Meneka apakah sebabnya dirinya sedemikian. Seandainya dia berada didalam kesedihan atau kekeliruan, aku sedia menjadi teman. Walau mungkin aku bukan sesempurna insan yang bisa memberi pandangan atau ulasan mahupun belaian. Hantarkanlah aku sebuah jawapan wahai bulan…

Bulan…

Apakah memahami wanita begitu sukar? Atau aku yang lemah dalam belajar? Adakah aku telah perbuat sesuatu yang tidak wajar? Apakah rasa dihatinya telah menjadi tawar? Beritahulah padanya supaya kongsikan denganku kerana aku akan sentiasa sedia mendengar. Rasa sayang dihatiku bertambah lebar. Semakin hari semakin besar. Namun aku sentiasa sedar, jawapan yang diberi padaku suatu masa mungkin amat sukar. Aku akan sentiasa sabar. Hantarkanlah aku sebuah jawapan wahai bulan…

Bulan…

Aku berlari dicelah lautan manusia. Mencari kemana hilangnya Hawa. Menjengah dimana aku cicirkan nyawa dan jiwa. Aku berharap aku menjumpainya semula. Bantulah aku bulan dengan menerangi jalan yang kususur seterang-terangnya. Aku cemas ketiadaannya. Aku tidak betah kehilangan dirinya. Kerana aku rasa sayang dihatiku ini seluas semesta. Hantarkanlah aku sebuah jawapan wahai bulan…

Bulan..

Bebaskanlah aku pergi. Aku benci lemah sebegini. Aku mahu teguh berdiri.Aku mahu mengejar hatinya yang berbelah bahagi. Mungkin fikirannya telah bertemu jawapan yang pasti. Seandainya dia mahu hidup bersendiri tanpa diriku disisi akan kuhormati keputusan hati. Namun, ingatkan padanya bulan, keindahan cintanya ini akan ku bawa hingga mati. Semoga ketemu lagi..

Bulan…

Aku berdoa dan terus berdoa lagi… Hantarkanlah aku sebuah jawapan wahai bulan…

I am Jealous

It is normal for man if they ever wanted to have more than they had and me as well. When I saw my friend who has a car, I do also want a car badly. When I saw they bought a latest mobile phone, I wish I will have one too. When they introduce me they girlfriend, hah!!! I am soooooo jealous. But, few days ago, I watched a Hindi movie Ghajini star by Amir Khan which gives me a reason to be strong again. Indeed this film is romantic and so touching, somehow it give me the valuable moral. I’ve learn to praise Allah for what I had. Appreciate what I already belongs. Always praise to allah for you had because He promised to all man "for those who praise me for what has been given to them, I will give them 10 more"

Sanjay Singhania is a well educated yet a very rich entrepreneur. He is a well-known icon indeed very popular. There are a girl names Kalpana who are middle class girl from a poor family. She had a good look thus make her qualified to be a model. She lied to her friend that she had a boyfriend and she claimed that Sanjay Sighania is her boyfriend eventhough she never meet him. Indeed, she is a good girl who does not afraid to fight for what she stands for. She also has a good heart and always helps people around him. God fate, they met and they be a close friend without aware that they guy she met is the real Sanjay Sighania. Sanjay pretend that he is normal guy who had nothing to be proud of and after knowing Kalpana, Sanjay fall in love with her. The noblest thing happens here is; when Kalpana did accept his love even the ‘Sanjay’ he knows is not a rich man. She accepted his love. But however she being killed by mafia and Sanjay has been beaten badly. As a result, he suffered brain damaged and cannot remember what is happens in the past. However, the diary of him reveal a thousand secret which lead Sanjay to the man who responsible for Kalpana’s death.

Moral of the story:

1^st : You can fall in love. You do not need very much reason to fall in love. The important thing is; both of the couple must be honest and trust each other. Do not ever lie in what conditioned because in the world of love (even I am not master of it) cheating is not acceptable.

2^nd : Always thank and praise to Allah for sending someone to you so that you can love her/him because thousand of people, days and night pray to god so that they have partner. Alhamdulillah!! I’d found mine. And don’t forget to always pray for your love one and ask for Allah’s guidance. Always ask His guidance. Insha’Allah, you will not stray and you are away from doing wrong deeds (dosa).

3^rd : Accept and love your partner as the way they are. Do not ask more. Do not expect perfection. Do not compare each others abilities. Do not show off. Love them because what they are. Always have a discussion before you take any decision because good communication will prevent both of you from doing mistake which later led to the quarrel and fight (suke ke kalau bergaduh?). Do not ever… ever… ever… keep the problems just for yourself. Share it with your love. That is the point we need a partner, so that we can share everything in bad or good. Doesn’t it?

The theme song for this movie is Kaise Mujhe. I like them very much. At this moment I write this, I am listening to the song. It gives me strength and point to remember. So lovely.

Today, I talked again to the sky… To the moon… Truly deep in my heart I feel afraid. I just can pray to Allah so that all this bad feeling go away. I feel helpless and sad. I have thousand things want to tell her but I have to keep them because it is not nice to do so. I keep all those words deep in my heart waiting for the time; The right one… The memorable one… Urghhhh…!!! Again, the tears runs out. Allahu rabbi……

:: Hilmi ::