.:: Saye Budak Cengeng ::.

The philosophy

It is quite a while I didn’t post a long entry. This might be the last entry (maybe) I posted here. Why? Ermm… I want to rest for a while and I want to keeps myself busy with my study and other thing.

I wish next me there is a shoulder that I can lean and cry in deep silence. Silence is torturing me very bad. Stand still in the dark and waits for the light to across this empty dream. My dream didn’t fill with joy and colour anymore lately. Every door I tried to open is locked down. I don’t have the key to open them and keep standing here wishing the Angel will dropped by and give me some answer on how to make my move.

I have a happy life but I feel there some pieces of puzzle are missing. I don’t know why I change a lot lately.

Current news

I already start my degree in international business with majoring in management. I met some new friend and try making myself confortable with the new environment in the new campus. So far, it is great accept for I have to walk from Giant hypermarket to the new campus to saving up my travelling cost. Huh! It’s tiring. But, I think it helps me loosing weight pretty much… nggee…

I was planning to do part time job this time. Look for more money since my allowance from MARA will be end on October. It’s kinda hard to support my life afterwards. Insha’Allah, there will always an opportunity and chance.

Plan adjustment

During my earlier study, I plan to finish up my diploma, then degree and finally my master. Being in relationship and marriage is not in the plan previously. But, in my final semester of diploma, I am falling in love with this “cute-good-nice-shy-smart-hard-awesome-yet complicated” girl. Ouch! I never have an intention to play around yet I want to take this matter it seriously. Sometimes I feel great while the other time I feel helpless when it is about her. I was so worry thinking whether both of us can make this relationship work or otherwise this just being kind of game in life. Only Allah knows what the best for me. I just can pray and tawakkal.

Life is wonderful. We never know what will come into our way. By knowing this girl, my life is such an epic. I learn a new thing everytime yet give me some sort of basic understanding on how to exploring the women’s complicated world.

I don’t play around. I have a serious intention because I have faith on her. Did you ever heard of story about a son asking her mom the meaning of love and marriage? Here it is:

‘’what is love mama?’’ In order to answer your question, go to our garden and choose the most beautiful flower and come back. But the rule is, you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick. The son went to the garden, go thru first row, he saw one beautiful flower, but he wonders, maybe there is a better than this one later. Then he saw another beautiful one. But maybe there is an even beautiful one waiting for him. Later, when he finished more than half of the garden, he start to realise that the flower is not as beautiful as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the most beautiful one, and he regretted! So, he ended up went back to the mom with empty hand. The mom told him, “This is love. You keep looking for a better one, but when later you realise, you have already miss the person”

“What is marriage then?” the son asked. Mom said, 'In order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is, you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.” The son went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy, and come back to the mom. The mom told him, 'This time you bring back a corn. You look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get. This is marriage.

I had found my flower. I won’t let it go……

Lighten up

I strongly believe that life always have thousand thing to offer for every of us. It is just matter of how we going to grab the opportunity. I missed my chance few times but no regret because life must go on. Past doesn’t offering you a wonderful time accept the room to you keep moaning. Thus, I want to forget the past and build my future with all strength I got by help of my Creator.

Some ask me why I write rather than talk? Dude! I seriously don’t know how to answer your question because I don’t have the exact answer but what I can tell you; that is because I have nobody to listen to me (what a pathetic life). But that seems to be good enough reason to me writing all I felt deep in my heart in here so that everybody can listen and understand how ‘cengeng’ am I… hihi…

I am Sorry

I would like to ask apology from everyone who read this blog... from everybody that I've hurt.. from the everybody that I ever lied to them. I'm sorry....

I would also like to ask apology from my parent and siblings for not being a good son and brother to them. I know, I've been such a burden to every of you and wish I can do better. Dear mom and dad, thank you for always praying for me. Insha'Allah, if I meant to have to have a long live, I'll repay everything. But, if not, please forgive me and I want both of you know that I love you more than anything. To someone I love, if you read this, I also want to say I'm sorry because I never been a good and best guy to you. I am sorry for everything. Just so you know, maybe you are not the first I love, but I love you the most. I don't feel right lately and please apologised my weakness dear.

Ya Rahman...

Please forgive me... please forgive me... please forgive me....

Here I am

Here I am. I hate when I stand-alone here looking deep at the sky. Counting stars... Even I know that would be such a possible thing to get an exact amount. Only God knows. Looking into someone's heart is totally the same principles applied. You never know the exact feeling of theirs. You never know what inside there. You never know....

Here I am. Try to understand why some people that have been together for many years and suddenly they decided not to be together... They fall in love... get married... they make love... they have child. It never means anything because we always think we know them, but sometimes we forget the fact that; heart is like star at the sky. You cannot measure them. Sometimes they glow in the dark, while other time they disappeared.

Here I am. Wondering how love can be such an adventure. In the middle of the adventure, sometimes we have to take the challenge awaits. We have to be patient. Wise in thinking and take the appropriate action possible. If we surrender, we’ll loosing the grand prize. And the grand prize would be the “heart of the people you love”. It’s hurt inside. You will torture outside. That is why I love walking in the rain, because people won’t notice I’m crying.

Here I am. Standing alone in front of the mirror. Looking deep on my reflection. Talking to myself. I can see the imperfect man. I saw a man with a love. I saw a man with chaotic mind and scattered emotion.

Life is wonderful. I will never let my life waste. I will keep breathing in this vicious world. I enjoy every minutes of it so that I am not regretted for I’ve done. I will never moaning if this love is not mine...

Bicara Pada Bulan

Bulan..

Maafkan aku kerana barangkali aku tidak memahami bahasanya. Bukan aku sengaja tetapi aku masih belajar meneroka alamnya sebagai seorang wanita. Mungkin tubuhnya berbicara, namun aku gagal membacanya. Beritahulah padanya bahawa aku gusar melihatnya menyepi tanpa kata. Aku khuatir dengan keadaannya yang kurasa ada perubahan walau tidak ketara. Apakah sebenarnya yang ada difikirannya. Hantarkanlah aku sebuah jawapan wahai bulan…

Bulan…

Khabarkan padanya aku benci meneka sendirian. Meneka apakah sebabnya dirinya sedemikian. Seandainya dia berada didalam kesedihan atau kekeliruan, aku sedia menjadi teman. Walau mungkin aku bukan sesempurna insan yang bisa memberi pandangan atau ulasan mahupun belaian. Hantarkanlah aku sebuah jawapan wahai bulan…

Bulan…

Apakah memahami wanita begitu sukar? Atau aku yang lemah dalam belajar? Adakah aku telah perbuat sesuatu yang tidak wajar? Apakah rasa dihatinya telah menjadi tawar? Beritahulah padanya supaya kongsikan denganku kerana aku akan sentiasa sedia mendengar. Rasa sayang dihatiku bertambah lebar. Semakin hari semakin besar. Namun aku sentiasa sedar, jawapan yang diberi padaku suatu masa mungkin amat sukar. Aku akan sentiasa sabar. Hantarkanlah aku sebuah jawapan wahai bulan…

Bulan…

Aku berlari dicelah lautan manusia. Mencari kemana hilangnya Hawa. Menjengah dimana aku cicirkan nyawa dan jiwa. Aku berharap aku menjumpainya semula. Bantulah aku bulan dengan menerangi jalan yang kususur seterang-terangnya. Aku cemas ketiadaannya. Aku tidak betah kehilangan dirinya. Kerana aku rasa sayang dihatiku ini seluas semesta. Hantarkanlah aku sebuah jawapan wahai bulan…

Bulan..

Bebaskanlah aku pergi. Aku benci lemah sebegini. Aku mahu teguh berdiri.Aku mahu mengejar hatinya yang berbelah bahagi. Mungkin fikirannya telah bertemu jawapan yang pasti. Seandainya dia mahu hidup bersendiri tanpa diriku disisi akan kuhormati keputusan hati. Namun, ingatkan padanya bulan, keindahan cintanya ini akan ku bawa hingga mati. Semoga ketemu lagi..

Bulan…

Aku berdoa dan terus berdoa lagi… Hantarkanlah aku sebuah jawapan wahai bulan…